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2) Vaporeon's hp stat doesn't mean ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥, because it's defence stat is absolute GARBAGE. Umbreon is already the better choice in this regard, having 95/110 Hp and defence compared to Vaporeons 130/65.
3) In the anime, when Vaporeon uses acid armor, it turns into water. You can't ♥♥♥♥ water.
5) All of those moves listed have a ton of pitfalls associated with them. First of all, baby-doll eyes, captivate and charm all lower your attack/special attack, making you less capable of having the "rough sex" you claim vaporeon is so good at. Second, knowing a move like attract isn't special at all, as nearly every pokemon can learn attract through a TM, even genderless pokemon such as cryogonal. Thirdly, you just listed FIVE MOVES. Pokemon can only learn FOUR.
⣿⣿⢱⣶⣭⡻⢿⠿⣛⣛⣛⠸⣮⡻⣿⣿⡿⢛⣭⣶⣆⢿⣿
⣿⡿⣸⣿⣿⣿⣷⣮⣭⣛⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⣥⣾⣿⣿⣿⡷⣽⣿
⣿⡏⣾⣿⣿⡿⠿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⣿⣿
⣿⣧⢻⣿⡟⣰⡿⠁⢹⣿⣿⣿⣋⣴⠖⢶⣝⢻⣿⣿⡇⣿⣿
⠩⣥⣿⣿⣴⣿⣇⠀⣸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⠀⢰⣿⠇⣿⣭⣼⠍⣿
⣿⡖⣽⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣯⣭⣭⣿⣿⣷⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡔⣾⣿
⣿⡡⢟⡛⠻⠿⣿⣿⣿⣝⣨⣝⣡⣿⣿⡿⠿⠿⢟⣛⣫⣼⣿
⣿⣿⣿⡷⠝⢿⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣾⡩⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿
⣿⣿⣯⡔⢛⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣭⣍⣨⠿⢿⣿⣿⣿
⣿⡿⢫⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣶⣝⣿