My thoughts go out to anyone who, for whatever reason, bought this thing at full price. After 1 hour playing Day One: Garry's Incident, I was overcome with a feeling of shame for ever giving any other game a bad review, because the reason for those just seem petty now in comparison.

The game starts with a cutscene drenched in screen tearing even though vsync was enabled. I then find myself (as Garry) strapped to a stone altar of sorts in the second cutscene after which I must perform an action (mashing a button) to free myself before an awfully animated shaman ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ sacrificially stabs me. During this whole scene there is absolutely no ingame sound, not even crickets. It's like they forgot to include the sound files related to that event in the game.

After freeing myself and making that ♥♥♥♥♥♥ animation meet its demise, I find this scantily clad indigenous babe chained next to the altar and I'm faced with the choice of either freeing or killing her. Being a gentleman (one who sports a blade in case things go sour anyways) I decide to let her go, but I'm using a gamepad and the controls I'm being shown onscreen keep switching randomly between keyboard and gamepad directions, so I end up having to guess what to press only to hear her whimper as I kill her accidentally. Now she's dead, oh welp. I hit her again because... because yes, and she blurts out the same cry. And again, and again, and again. Outstanding. From now on it can only get better.

Now I'm wandering around the temple until I find a piece of cloth and get instructions to craft it into bandages. I do that, and then I place two bandages in the crafting window to see if I could further combine them, and that's when our Garry says it out loud: "UH-OH!" and the game just crashes, with an UDK failure pop-up on Windows and all. That was actually funny because it seemed like he had suddenly become sentient (with a touch of clairvoyance) to our out-of-game reality, and I would naturally have considered a feature like that a pro, had I not found after relaunching the game that Garry says that every time you try to combine un-craftable things. Disappointment.

Voice acting is not something I'm picky about, but here it is a thing to behold. I feel however I lack the vocabulary to describe something like that, and that it would be like trying to transcribe the humour in someone else's stand-up comedy act through written word. YouTube is just around the corner if you're curious.

Given the red wall of top rated negative reviews glaring at you from the front page of the game's store, where even the couple of positive reviews are either sarcastic or humorously and explicitly trying to not be flagged as 'innapropriate' by the dev (who seems to have tried to do that with no success), you'd have to be blind, stupid, masochistic or possess some real next-level avant-garde sense of irony to buy this game.

But if like me you got this in a bundle (with other games that you wanted) for nearly nothing, you might feel compelled to let its trading cards drop at some point. When you do that I'd humbly suggest playing the game while you wait for the drops rather than just idling, just so you can experience first-hand what will likely be the most ludicrous attempt at a game that you've ever played. If not for science, then for the sheer comedic value. And unless you're much more easily amused than I, the comedic value will last about as long as it takes for the cards to drop, at which point it will be the right time to quit and uninstall this garbage.

Not that I'm trying to tell you how to live or anything.

My thoughts go out to anyone who, for whatever reason, bought this thing at full price. After 1 hour playing Day One: Garry's Incident, I was overcome with a feeling of shame for ever giving any other game a bad review, because the reason for those just seem petty now in comparison. The game starts with a cutscene drenched in screen tearing even though vsync was enabled. I then find myself (as Garry) strapped to a stone altar of sorts in the second cutscene after which I must perform an action (mashing a button) to free myself before an awfully animated shaman asshole sacrificially stabs me. During this whole scene there is absolutely no ingame sound, not even crickets. It's like they forgot to include the sound files related to that event in the game. After freeing myself and making that shitty animation meet its demise, I find this scantily clad indigenous babe chained next to the altar and I'm faced with the choice of either freeing or killing her. Being a gentleman (one who sports a blade in case things go sour anyways) I decide to let her go, but I'm using a gamepad and the controls I'm being shown onscreen keep switching randomly between keyboard and gamepad directions, so I end up having to guess what to press only to hear her whimper as I kill her accidentally. Now she's dead, oh welp. I hit her again because... because yes, and she blurts out the same cry. And again, and again, and again. Outstanding. From now on it can only get better. Now I'm wandering around the temple until I find a piece of cloth and get instructions to craft it into bandages. I do that, and then I place two bandages in the crafting window to see if I could further combine them, and that's when our Garry says it out loud: "UH-OH!" and the game just crashes, with an UDK failure pop-up on Windows and all. That was actually funny because it seemed like he had suddenly become sentient (with a touch of clairvoyance) to our out-of-game reality, and I would naturally have considered a feature like that a pro, had I not found after relaunching the game that Garry says that every time you try to combine un-craftable things. Disappointment. Voice acting is not something I'm picky about, but here it is a thing to behold. I feel however I lack the vocabulary to describe something like that, and that it would be like trying to transcribe the humour in someone else's stand-up comedy act through written word. YouTube is just around the corner if you're curious. Given the red wall of top rated negative reviews glaring at you from the front page of the game's store, where even the couple of positive reviews are either sarcastic or humorously and explicitly trying to not be flagged as 'innapropriate' by the dev (who seems to have tried to do that with no success), you'd have to be blind, stupid, masochistic or possess some real next-level avant-garde sense of irony to buy this game. But if like me you got this in a bundle (with other games that you wanted) for nearly nothing, you might feel compelled to let its trading cards drop at some point. When you do that I'd humbly suggest playing the game while you wait for the drops rather than just idling, just so you can experience first-hand what will likely be the most ludicrous attempt at a game that you've ever played. If not for science, then for the sheer comedic value. And unless you're much more easily amused than I, the comedic value will last about as long as it takes for the cards to drop, at which point it will be the right time to quit and uninstall this garbage. Not that I'm trying to tell you how to live or anything.