Now, I'm all for experiments. Experimental video games. Sexual experimentation. Science. You name it. But, you see this line in the sand here? I drew it. This line gets drawn whenever someone uses "experimental" as a catch-all argument for defending a half-heartedly developed "empathy" game. I really don't get where the other positive reviewers are coming from. Here's a spoiler (and I hope this doesn't spoil the entire 20 minute playtime): you walk on the beach, find some washed-up objects disconnected from any meaningful human narrative while the developers probably cross their fingers and hope that discovering "Teddy" scrawled in Kanji on the back of a child's toy makes you cry out: "A child! A child owned this! There was a tsunami and, therefore, that child could have perished in the tsunami! Possibly. Oh, poor baby; my cold, blackened heart has been warmed and now beats once again in my hollow, pallid chest."

Maybe these are real objects that washed up on a real beach. I don't know. I wasn't keeping an eye out for news stories about what some bumblefeck in San Fransisco found washed up on the rocky shores years after the fact. Apparently this game is set in SF, you can spy the Golden Gate bridge but it really isn't iconic enough to non-Americans to be instantly identifiable when the graphics are this primitive (I had it pegged for three big top circus tents lined along the horizon).

So you basically find like five of these objects and then you're rewarded with a fifteen second cutscene, which contains the only game's only human element and the only thing that made me feel anything more than a sense of direst boredom. Not that I was pacing back and forth, hoping that the game would break out into a little bit of CoD-esque gunplay, but if you're going to use a video game as the medium to impart some kind of emotional experience on your audience, at least make a remote effort to take advantage of what makes the medium unique. Playing 9.03m and watching someone LP it on YouTube would be an identical experience.

Hey, at least it's all for charity right? That much is commendable. This review came off a little harshly, actually. I'm a touch hungry and that gets me cranky. Normally I'd just dive into the pantry and raid it for some tuna and crackers, with a smidge of mayo, but holiday festivities have rendered it virtually bone dry. If I go on a grocery run I'll probably have to shower, shave, groom a little and that's already a whole thing on its own. If I'm being perfectly honest, there's not enough convenience stores anymore. You know, just a little mum and pop corner shop. Pop don't care if you're in skivvies or bathrobe. Hell, he might even get a little bit of a chub on. But if you go to the supermarket, there's easily a dozen staff members you'll walk by, and not to mention all the other patrons. Yes, lady, these are my pajamas. No, I didn't know that I'm terrifying your child, because you know what? I don't care. Oh, the police? Repeat offender, you say? At least a hundred feet, you say? OK, I might be willing to comply...

tl;dr Dear Esther: Prepare to Baka Gaijin Edition

Now, I'm all for experiments. Experimental video games. Sexual experimentation. Science. You name it. But, you see this line in the sand here? I drew it. This line gets drawn whenever someone uses "experimental" as a catch-all argument for defending a half-heartedly developed "empathy" game. I really don't get where the other positive reviewers are coming from. Here's a spoiler (and I hope this doesn't spoil the entire [b]20 minute playtime[/b]): you walk on the beach, find some washed-up objects disconnected from any meaningful human narrative while the developers probably cross their fingers and hope that discovering "Teddy" scrawled in Kanji on the back of a child's toy makes you cry out: "[i]A child![/i] A child owned this! There was a tsunami and, therefore, that child could have perished in the tsunami! Possibly. Oh, poor baby; my cold, blackened heart has been warmed and now beats once again in my hollow, pallid chest." Maybe these are real objects that washed up on a real beach. I don't know. I wasn't keeping an eye out for news stories about what some bumblefeck in San Fransisco found washed up on the rocky shores years after the fact. Apparently this game is set in SF, you can spy the Golden Gate bridge but it really isn't iconic enough to non-Americans to be instantly identifiable when the graphics are this primitive (I had it pegged for three big top circus tents lined along the horizon). So you basically find like five of these objects and then you're rewarded with a fifteen second cutscene, which contains the only game's only human element and the only thing that made me feel anything more than a sense of direst boredom. Not that I was pacing back and forth, hoping that the game would break out into a little bit of CoD-esque gunplay, but if you're going to use a video game as the medium to impart some kind of emotional experience on your audience, at least make a remote effort to take advantage of what makes the medium unique. Playing 9.03m and watching someone LP it on YouTube would be an identical experience. Hey, at least it's all for charity right? That much is commendable. This review came off a little harshly, actually. I'm a touch hungry and that gets me cranky. Normally I'd just dive into the pantry and raid it for some tuna and crackers, with a smidge of mayo, but holiday festivities have rendered it virtually bone dry. If I go on a grocery run I'll probably have to shower, shave, groom a little and that's already a whole thing on its own. If I'm being perfectly honest, there's not enough convenience stores anymore. You know, just a little mum and pop corner shop. Pop don't care if you're in skivvies or bathrobe. Hell, he might even get a little bit of a chub on. But if you go to the supermarket, there's easily a dozen staff members you'll walk by, and not to mention all the other patrons. Yes, lady, these are my pajamas. No, I didn't know that I'm terrifying your child, because you know what? I don't care. Oh, the police? Repeat offender, you say? At least a hundred feet, you say? OK, I might be willing to comply... tl;dr Dear Esther: Prepare to Baka Gaijin Edition