The day was September 10th, 2001.

I received a phone call from my friend Royce du Pont.

“Heads or tails?” he asked.

“Heads” I replied.

To this day I have no idea what that was all about.

*Boss pulls out a gun and starts loading it*

Employee: “Jesus Christ! What’re you doing?!”

Boss: “If I give you this raise, it’ll come out of my paycheck, which means I won’t be able to support my family, and I can’t live with that.”

*Boss presses gun to his own temple*

Employee: “Mr. du Pont! Please! Stop!”

Boss: “Thanks for all your hard work, Steven. You were one of the good ones.”

Employee: “I don’t need the raise! Please just put the gun down.”

For more on employee management techniques, tune into my seminar on May 22nd @ 11pm EST.

*An employee walks into his boss’s office*

Employee: “I’d like a raise, sir.”

Boss: “Go on.”

Employee: “I’ve been the top performing salesman at our company for three years. I’m the first one in ever morning and the last one—”

Boss: “Done.”

Employee: “Really?”

Boss: “On one condition.”

Employee: “Anything.”

Boss: “You tell my family I loved them.”

-rep stinks

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