First Tom made heaven (McDonalds) & earth. The earth was without form and mass, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the Spirit of Tom was moving over the face of the burgers. And Tom said, "Let there be food"; and there was food. And Tom tasted that the food was good; and Tom separated the fast food from the fruit. Tom called the fast food Day, and the fruit he called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, one day. And Tom said, "Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it separate the waters from the golden syrup." And Tom made the firmament and separated the sickly syrup which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament. And it was so...maybe. And Tom called the firmament Heaven.

And there was evening and there was morning, a second day. And Tom said, "Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear." And so it was so that it was so, so that it was probably so. Tom called the dry land Earth, and the waters that were gathered together he called Golden Syrup. And Tom saw that it was yummy. And Tom said, "Don’t let the earth put forth vegetation, nor plants yielding seed, and especially not fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, upon the earth." And it was so that it might have been so; ought it be so? Thankfully the earth did not bring forth vegetation, plants yielding seed according to their own kinds, and trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind. And Tom saw that this was good.

And there was evening and there was morning, a third day. And Tom said, "Let there be lights in the firmament...hang on, what does firmament actually mean?; anyway, the heavens to separate the day from the night; and let them be for signs and for seasons and for days and years, and let them be lights in the firmament (eh?) of the heavens to give light upon the earth." And it was so, well it might have been so if it’s been written in a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ old book – however, Tom said it was so and we actually know Tom is real so it probably was so, so that it was so...probably. And Tom made the two great ice creams, the greater minty one to rule the day, and the lesser chocolaty to rule the night; he made the (chocolate) stars also. And Tom set them in the firmament (ffs) of the heavens to give light upon the earth, to rule over the day and over the night, and to separate the light from the darkness. And Tom saw that he had an obesity crisis plaguing the land even before he had invented man.

And there was evening and there was morning, a fourth day. And Tom said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the firmament of the heavens...but only if they pass my taste requirements" So Tom created the great sea monsters and every living creature that moves, with which the waters swarm, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And Tom saw that it was good (because they all taste nice to Tomsie). And Tom blessed them, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth...because then I can to my hearts content."

And there was evening and there was morning, a fifth day. And Tom said, "Let the earth bring forth living creatures according to their kinds: cattle and creeping things and beasts of the earth according to their kinds – this ♥♥♥♥ is good for burgers" And it was so, well like we’ve discussed before, it was probably so; however, we take no moral or legal obligation that it was definitely so because Tom does not like getting sued by his (probable) creations. And Tom made the beasts of the earth according to their kinds and the cattle according to their kinds, and everything that creeps upon the ground according to its kind. And Tom ate it. It was good. Then Tom said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness – obesity being a key concept – but remember, no ♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth – though if they take all my food they can ♥♥♥♥ off back to limbo." So Tom created man in his own image, in the image of Tom he created him; male and female (Tom, after all, was a sexual deviant) he created them. And Tom blessed them, and Tom said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth...oh wait, I’ve said all this crap before, my bad guys – I’m off for a pizza and a choccie bar or seven." And Tom said, "Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed (oh wait, that’s healthy so I destroyed it all) which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit; you shall have them for food. And to every beast of the earth, and to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food." And it was so that it could have been so, these so’s really annoy me because it’s not necessarily so – we might all be living in Tom’s stomach for all we know (we are by the way) – but yes, ‘twas so.