This isn’t so much a step as me simply calling you out for being a poor sod who’s never felt the touch of any woman beside his own mother – and even that was probably more so out of obligation than love. But, it’s a section which is undoubtedly necessary, as even now you probably still cling to the moronic notion that you have even so much as an inkling of a chance with a woman. I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong.

Based on the fact that you clicked on this guide, I can already assume you’re probably some scrawny white dude lounging on his gaming chair with a fresh sleeve of Pringles clutched tightly in his hand, eyes glued to the screen as he scrolls through this guide to find salvation from the gaping hole that for so long has plagued his heart. Well, cling to your collection of anime cat girl figurines no longer, my friend, because today you’re going to graduate from plastic anime girls to digital ghost girls.

There’s much to understand when it comes to ghost girls, and there are several pros and cons which must be considered to find out if ghost girls are right for you. Many people like to think of the positive aspects, but let’s not hasten to forget that these are, in fact, murder machines who killed Matthew and scarred John for life.

If you already know the good and the bad of having a ghost girlfriend, you may skip to Part Five to save valuable time so you can go get some frozen snacks from the fridge for your pathetic representation of “dinner”. Those hot pockets won’t eat themselves, you know.

1: Ghost girls cost significantly less money than regular girls. Ghosts don’t need to eat, drink, or sleep – they lack all human necessities. Not only can you avoid food costs, you can even avoid all the extraneous costs of normal girls. After all, why would a ghost need a six hundred dollar purse? That said, she will still expect you to buy her that two hundred dollar coat, so be prepared for that.

2: Ghost girls become very attached to places. She was probably a resident of that house you found her in for hundreds of years, for God’s sake. As such, you’ll never feel pressured to move by your ghost girlfriend – unlike a real one who will remind you at every opportunity how much better your lives would be if you lived in California. You work a minimum wage job at the cash register of your local Jewel Osco, get your head out of the clouds and be realistic.

3: Ghost girls have no jobs, classes, or yoga sessions to attend to. This means she’ll always be available for you when you need her. Unlike a living girl, who is limited by such things as time and distance, ghost girls have no such issues. She can appear by your side or even follow you around everywhere you go.

4: Ghost girls are powerful. You can live in the skankiest neighborhood in Chicago for all you care, because as your much less fortunate friend Matthew discovered, your ghost girlfriend is more than capable of defending herself and her home against any would-be intruders.

5: Ghost girls are often old. You can talk with her for hours on end about what her life was like and what the world was like when she was alive.

6: Ghost girls can’t die. She may have a weakness to being exorcised, but any thug from that skanky neighborhood in Chicago will find himself entirely unable to shoot, stab, or otherwise harm her. That is, assuming he gets the chance, and she didn’t flat out kill him first for that vulgar comment he made.

1: Ghost girls are destructive. Remember how you managed to find her because she threw a bunch of books on the floor and made a mess? Well, look at her go, she just threw your precious glass vase that you inherited from your deceased great-grandmother onto the hard wood floor, thus shattering a priceless family heirloom that was most likely purchased at a flea market for six pennies back in the great depression. It doesn’t matter what ghost type she is – if she’s mad at you for leaving the toilet seat up again, she may as well be a poltergeist for what she’s about to do to your precious belongings.

2: Ghost girls become very attached to places. If you live in Illinois, then it sucks to be you, because she isn’t leaving for any reason. Why does she care how high your taxes are?

3: Ghost girls have nothing to do. Other than throwing stuff around in the house or reading magazines, she doesn’t exactly have a lot to do, being dead and all. As such, she’ll likely follow you around everywhere you go constantly. You don’t have free time anymore; she owns you. As if that wasn’t bad enough, guess which poor sod has to pay off the entirety of the mortgage that didn’t seem as bad when you first signed for it? You, stupid. You.

4: Ghost girls are scary. If you think a real girl is terrifying when you piss her off, you’ll not want to see what happens when a ghost girl gets mad at you. Let’s just say your poor friend Matthew might be able to clue you in if he weren’t a lifeless mound of flesh in the basement.

5: Ghost girls are often old. She may look like she’s in her prime, but beneath that charming aesthetic, she’s possibly upwards of six hundred years old. Don’t think too hard on it.

6: Ghost girls can’t die. Or be restrained. Or stopped by any means other than expensive and/or temporary ones. Which means you will be haunted for the rest of your miserable life if you piss her off.

Hold up there, partner, it ain’t as easy as just moseying into some random haunted house, spouting off some God-awful pickup lines so bad they would make George Godley look like a flirting master, and magically getting the girl. You need to be properly prepared for this precarious proposition of preposterous proportions – and don’t even think about saying that five times fast.

First and foremost, we need to learn about what kinds of ghosts there are, and which kind is the best for you. Originally, I was going to make a tier list of these, but everybody has their own preferences, so instead I’ll simply list the characteristics of each and let you choose. Don’t be afraid to try multiple types, either – it’s not as though there’s a ghost shortage.

Banshee: A very faithful ghost. Banshees are very loyal, and will only be with one person at a time. However, she will rarely let you leave her sight. Be aware that if you are a religious person, she will under no circumstances go to church with you.
Pros: Will never leave you or have a side fling
Cons: Can appear behind you at literally any time

Demon: A classic ghost type. A very social ghost, and therefore one who’s easy to talk to, especially since she typically likes to attempt to murder you very frequently.
Pros: Likes getting to know people, very talkative, is always around
Cons: Definitely a Satanist

Goryo: One of the new kids on the block. The biggest roadblock to dating a goryo is not being entirely unable to move away if you don’t like the location of your residency.
Pros: Doesn’t like to flash
Cons: Good luck trying to get her out of the house for some fresh air

Hantu: A ghost that’s very temperature dependent. I will warn you ahead of time that you will have constant arguments about the air conditioning. If you live in Greenland, this is the ghost for you.
Pros: Loves to go sledding
Cons: You will never walk around the house without a coat on again

Jinn: A reliable ghost that always has your back. Also very privy to electronics despite how old she is.
Pros: Is never more than three meters away from you, knows how to use the telephone
Cons: Throws a temper tantrum when the power goes out

Mare: A much more nocturnal ghost. Expect to see her up and about at four in the morning either drawing or writing something. She’s very proud of what she creates in those empty notebooks you still have laying around, and though she will be overjoyed if you praise it, she’ll kill you if you don’t. Something to keep in mind is that she hates it when you leave the lights on, and she will likely hide under the bed during the day.
Pros: You’ll never sleep at night ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Cons: You’ll never sleep at night

Myling: A ghost that’s very sound-based. She walks very quietly, so don’t be surprised if she walks up behind you and spooks you because you didn’t hear her.
Pros: You won’t hear her high heels clicking against the hardwood floor constantly
Cons: Breathes really, really loudly

Obake: One of the strangest kinds of ghosts you could possibly date. Unlike any other ghost, she has the power to shapeshift, which can make things somewhat awkward if you see a stranger in your house only to realize it’s her. She’ll often play pranks on people using her unique ability set, so don’t be surprised if you wake up one morning to find your stepmother standing in the doorway.
Pros: Leaves things very clean
Cons: Will sometimes grow a sixth finger for no reason

Oni: Like their demon cousins, a very easy ghost to get to know. Onis are even more talkative than demons, especially when you have guests over. Be warned, if her friends come over, you may not get them to stop talking for several days.
Pros: Very social and likes to talk to you a lot
Cons: Has a very large extended family

Onryo: A ghost who’s very, very scared of fire. She probably died in a fire – though whether it was a house fire or being burned at the stake as a witch isn’t relevant, because either way she’ll have a panic attack if you leave a scent candle lit in that one awful-smelling room in the basement.
Pros: Will do everything in her power to make sure there’s never a fire
Cons: No more gas grills, fireplaces, or bonfires

Phantom: Won’t show up often, but you won’t forget it when she does. Don’t expect to take any family photos with this one.
Pros: Only shows up briefly before leaving you alone again, good for people who like to be alone
Cons: So ugly you’ll lose a solid quarter of your sanity if you so much as glance at her

Poltergeist: A somewhat loud ghost, but loving all the same. Poltergeists are widely loved by all due to their charisma and loud personality.
Pros: Gifted in the Force
Cons: Say goodbye to anything that isn’t bolted to the floor

Raiju: If you’re Amish, you could ask for no finer ghost. Not only does she detest electronics, she’ll go so far as to drain the power from them. That said…. *inhales heavily* she tends to go ballistic when electronics are around, so if you have friends over, make sure they turn their phones off. Even for the Amish, this ghost is a bit extreme, and besides, you wouldn’t be reading this guide if you were Amish. In addition to that, when she’s really mad, she’s not only a faster sprinter than any revenant, but also gets irritated twice as often.
Pros: Uhhh…… if you hate jinns, this is the exact opposite, I guess? I mean, she could win the Olympics if she knew what they were, maybe?
Cons: Seriously, why would you date a ghost that will literally kill you if anybody even thinks about bringing anything electric into the house (Which, yes, means heating, air conditioning, ceiling lights, outlets, microwaves, refrigerators, ovens, washing machines, the device you’re reading this on… you get my point.)

Revenant: A very chipper and quick ghost. Beware, she’s incredibly violent if you set her off, and she’s much, much faster than you. A great choice if you don’t mind the idea of your girlfriend being an Olympic sprinter with a machete.
Pros: Moves quickly when you’re around, meaning you’ll never be bored
Cons: Wants you around so badly she basically ceases to function if she loses sight of you

Shade: Ah, the shade. A perfect ghost for an introvert, and since you’re all reading a Phasmophobia guide on how to get a ghost girlfriend, I can reasonably infer you’re all introverts. My top personal pick because I hate being social. Probably the worst choice for an extrovert. Good luck introducing her to your parents.
Pros: Won’t answer the door for salesmen or interrupt you while you’re watching Terminator with the boys
Cons: Not very fun at parties

Spirit: A very middle-of-the-road, inoffensive ghost that nobody will have a problem with. Generally a very sweet ghost who doesn’t tend towards violence. Just don’t keep smudge sticks around, because if she smells them she’ll run off and cry in the bathroom for three minutes straight.
Pros: The least likely ghost to kill you in a murderous frenzy
Cons: People like to make fun of her, and if you don’t stop them she’ll get mad at you

Twins: The perfect ghost (or ghosts, I suppose) for anybody who wants a polyamorous relationship. If you’re dating identical twins, be extremely careful not to confuse them or you will probably die.
Pros: A two for one deal
Cons: If they ever get into an argument and force you to choose a side, you’ll die no matter what you choose

Wraith: A ghost many people love to date because she never leaves the doors open. She simply walks through them, or through the wall right next to them. What does she care?
Pros: Will never leave the doors unlocked or track mud into the house
Cons: Rest in peace salted food

Yokai: A ghost who prefers silence. She was probably an elementary school librarian in life, which explains her hearing loss and disdain for talking. Will sit in the corner reading a book in silence for most of the day.
Pros: She’ll never have her friends over
Cons: You’ll never have your friends over

Yurei: A nice ghost, but one that will start to get on your nerves after a while. Like spirits, she has a disliking for smudge sticks. She will nag you more than any ghost besides an oni.
Pros: Will roll around gagging on the floor for a bit if you light smudge sticks near her, which will generally make her stop nagging you temporarily
Cons: Will literally drive you insane with how often she reminds you to fix the dishwasher

So, you know your spirits from your shades, your yokai from your yurei, and you’re ready to get started on the process of acquiring the ghost girl. Well, you’re probably expecting me to say “but wait, there’s more” or something along those lines, but now I believe you’re ready.

First and foremost, selecting the location is CRUCIAL!!!! As you can see, I capitalized this word and tacked on no less than four exclamation marks to draw your attention to it, because it’s important. The location of the ghost is vital depending on what type of ghost girl you want. If you’re looking for a suburban or city girl, go with a street house. If you’re looking for a country gal, go with a farmhouse. If you’re looking for a girl who’s twice as likely to kill you, go with a prison, and an asylum is the location for you if you want one thrice as likely to kill you. Find a school ghost if you’re a minor.

With your location chosen, it’s time to make waves and get there lickety-split. Remember to have some extra money for gas when your agent inevitably informs you that the first three ghosts you encounter are men, and you have to go back to step seven. Once you finally find the much-desired female ghost, it’s time to get into the location and meet her.

The first thing you’re going to need to do is discover the ghost type. If it isn’t the type you’re looking for, it’s time to move on and try again. I will warn you, this is the longest step, and it may take several weeks to get the type of girl you’re looking for.

IMPORTANT: It’s recommended you have a wingman for this next part, though it isn’t necessary if you’re charismatic enough. Joke’s on you, though – we both know you have less charisma than a leopard slug.

Once you do, the second step is talking to her and getting to know her; this is made easy if she’s a demon or oni, but harder if it’s a shade. If you can’t get her to talk to you, then don’t fret, we have one more trick up our sleeves.

So, she won’t talk to you. Or maybe she will, but she’s clearly angry at you. Either way, she’s not into you, and she just killed your wingman Matthew because he got fed up and called her ugly when he was alone in the basement.

Now it’s time to make amends and get things on the right track. Just like with a real girl, humility is the key to the relationship, and knowing when you’re wrong is the key to humility. Along with showing her your humility, you also must impress her – make her feel as though you’re the right choice. Gather all the candles you brought with and set them out on the dining room table - unless it's an Onryo, in which case, omit the candles. Next, it’s time to break out that half-eaten box of Valentine’s Day chocolates you kept intending to give to somebody but never worked up the nerve. Finally, gather all the stuffed animals in the house and set them around the chocolates on the dining table (or cafeteria table if you’re in a high school, prison, or asylum), surrounded by the candles that make for very nice mood lighting. If it's an Onryo, you can use UV lights instead of candles.

It is at this moment you are going to fall to your knees, begging forgiveness for one of the tires on your truck going flat and causing you to arrive ten minutes late to the investigation. You will apologize for your friend Matthew saying her sister is prettier than she is. You will then offer her the chocolates and stuffed animals as recompense for your heinous actions, and when you mean this with your heart and soul, she will appear before you. Her beautiful, deathly radiance will fill the air around you, and you will feel your soul lift from your body as she accepts the gifts, deciding in that moment to spare your miserable life.

Now that she’s stood before you next to the dinner table, it is time for you to stand. And I don’t just mean stand, I mean STAND. I’m talking a straight back, broad shoulders, and a quick hand to dust the pretzel crumbs off of your rickety old jacket you’ve had since you were fifteen. You should have worn a suit and tie, but after the last time you tried this, when the ghost splattered you with a full pot of moldy tomato sauce, you thought it better not to risk it. You’ll just have to do better on the next date.

Try to impress her with the way you stand and conduct yourself. Remember, she’s probably several hundred years old, so unlike a modern girl, she will expect good manners. Introduce yourself with a polite bow, then pull out a chair for her and allow her to seat herself at the table. Then you must traverse to the opposite end of the table, where you yourself shall sit and begin to strike up conversation. If your wingman is still alive at this point, now is his time to shine. If he isn’t, then it’s up to you to hit it off with the ghost. Just remember not to say her name out loud or make any sudden movements towards smudge sticks or a crucifix. If the ghost is a wraith, immediately remove all salt and/or salted food items from the premises.

This is where the guide, unfortunately, can go no further, as interactions will vary by ghost. Some general pointers can be kept in mind, though. For starters, talking to a ghost girl is very similar to talking to a real girl. Try to strike up an interesting but non-controversial topic, and whatever you do, don’t ask her how old she is. Don’t talk about a relationship until you feel you’re both ready to make that commitment, and don’t talk about moving in together until you’re a couple weeks into the relationship. If the home owner gets mad at you over living in their house, kindly remind them that there’s a murderous ghost in their home and it’s not a good idea for them to go back inside.

Take your ghost girl out on some dates. Dates will vary based on the ghost type; mares, for example, are late-night partygoers, whilst goryos would prefer a walk in the garden, as they don’t like traveling far from home. Be aware that if you take a jinn to the movies, there’s a chance she will start playing with the building’s power and make everybody’s phone ring.

Once you and your ghost girlfriend have been together for a year, two, or even fifteen (she’s been dead for six hundred years, there’s no difference between those numbers to her), you may start to consider getting married. She may not take kindly to this idea at first, but that was the risk you took when you walked into the house on your first day together, so deal with it. Just take it nice and slow (unless it’s a revenant) and you’ll be fine.

Now, you can stroll up to your friend group gatherings no longer alone, but with a ghost girl beside you. Everybody else will still be lonely (or dead) for years to come, but you did what none of them could do and in doing so bested them all. Not only that, but you’ve gained a lifelong companion in the process, spinning a happy ending to this tale.

You wake up suddenly, your face drenched with tomato sauce from the pizza rolls you had fallen face-first into. You remember now; you and the boys had been lamenting being single, and in the heat of an intense flashback to a girl in third grade who had screamed “Ewwww!” when you had put strawberry yogurt on your peanut butter jelly sandwich, you had lost consciousness.

You groan, clutching your head and grasping at vague memories of what had happened while you were out cold. The boys assumed you had to go take out the trash and got lost on the way back inside, and from the sound of it, they’re back to playing Modern Warfare II like you don’t even exist.

Faintly, you recall the memory of a sweet, ghostly laugh – not the creepy, chilling kind, as you had heard many times before, but one of calm and tranquility, of something you could never have.

You slap your palm into your forehead, your eyes wide as saucers. Something you could never have – of course! That was what you were forgetting about – the ghost girl who you had fought so desperately to find and procure.

As you come back around and the memories of what happened flood back into you, you begin to realize that everything that had previously happened was a dream. All of the planning, and careful execution of said planning, burying Matthew’s body when the aforementioned planning had gone wrong – all of it was for nothing now. Oh, well, you always knew you weren’t lucky enough to get rid of Matthew anyhow.

You stretch your arms slowly, gazing emptily at the selection of anime ghost girl drawings you had looked up on Google prior to fainting. They stare back at you, their smiling faces nearly bringing you to tears as you are faced with the unfortunate truth that you’re not even cool enough to have a digital ghost girlfriend, let alone a real one.

Slumping into your chair with a deep sigh, you gaze outside your window into the dark night. Though you find nothing but a single street light staring back at you, you’re surprised to find yourself wishing for something that you know will not be there – something which, once upon a dream, you had.

Hearing the noise coming from the microphone which you hadn’t muted before falling asleep, the boys start asking if something is wrong, and why you had simply disappeared. You half-heartedly regale them the story, the dream now burning brightly in your mind. You think you hear Sam sniffle once or twice, the loneliness of the entire group reflected through those silent sobs, and the group sinks into a sorrowful silence as you finish describing your dream.

After a few moments like this, everyone lets out a light bout of laughter and invite you to join their Phasmophobia lobby. You crack a smile and realize that you never even needed a ghost girlfriend in the first place. The boys were all you ever needed, and they’ve been right in front of you all along. As you load up the lobby and prepare to begin your asylum 0% sanity run, you purge the faintest thought of your strange dream from your mind and close the moronic steam guide you had found on the topic.

What are you waiting for? The boys are waiting on you while you fantasize about a ghost girlfriend you’ll never have. Get back out there, hunter, and good luck.

Thank you for reading this entirely pointless guide. Many of you are probably wondering why I decided to write this in the first place, and others likely don’t care as they didn’t make it this far and instead stopped at part three. I could give some grandiose reason about an inside joke between my friends or wanting to spread a message about appreciating what you already have, but in truth, I just thought this was more productive than repeatedly trying to log into Final Fantasy XIV only to have my dreams curb stomped over and over by the fact that I’m running my computer off a USB wireless adapter on VRBO internet. Well, we’ve all got our reasons.

See you around, hunters!