I was suffering a period of touch deprivation. I was dying for the warm cuddles in bed again. It had only been four months since I brought my ex back across the country to her home, but the loneliness was killing me.
One day, I was microwaving some pancakes I recently made. I suck at making pancakes- I just can't figure out how to make them right. The ones I made this time came out thick and leathery, but because I didn't want to waste them I figured I'd eat them.
When I pulled them out of the microwave, I noticed how much they felt like a person's flesh. They felt warm, and they're leathery quality gave them a texture not unlike skin. I suddenly had a horrible idea.
No one was home. It was just me, myself, I, and two pancakes on a plate. I decided to go through with my idea.
I dropped my pants while I was on the couch, and wrapped my two warm pancakes over my already erect plaything. I beat not just my breakfast sausage, but my pancakes as well. The more I got into it, the more the crumbs flew. I tore those pancakes a new one. Within a few minutes, I spread my frosting all over those sad, sad pancakes.
I felt pretty guilty afterwards. I just wasted two mediocre pancakes to try and stave off my deep feelings of loneliness. I made sure to clean the crumbs up thoroughly and tossed the pancakes in the trash, where no one would see them. I skipped lunch that day because I wasted that one meal.

List of things I have unboxed:
Desert Eagle Printstream (Field tested)
M4A4 Emperor stattrak (Min Wear)
M4A4 In Living Color (Field Tested)
Five-SeveN Fairy Tale (Min Wear)
Astralis gold rmr 2020
Total spent on csgo cases: $70AUD