Give a man a fish and feed him for a day.
Don't teach a man to fish...and feed yourself.
He's a grown man.
And fishing's not that hard

Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless.

Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.

I'm a simple man. I like pretty dark-haired women and breakfast food.

You've accidentally given me the food that my food eats.

Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart and who is poor.

If there were fewer people here and more food, this party would be perfect.

There is no wrong way to consume alcohol.

I'd wish you the best of luck, but i believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.

The only country that matters. If you want to experience other "cultures", use an atlas or a ham radio.

Honor: If you need it defined, you do not have it at all. period.

Intensity: Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.

Facial hair: Full, thick and square. Nothing sculpted. If you have to sculpt it, that probably means you can't grow it.

Poise: Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That's ridiculous.

I've had the same will since I was 8 years old. "Upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who killed me."
"What are these weird symbols?"
"The man who kills me will know."

There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is just water that's lying about being milk.

I regret nothing. The End