So after you leave the French Quarter, I'm standing there with Flannelass, enjoying my second hotdog. I can tell something's wrong in my stomach.

I run up the street to use the bathroom at some tourist trap but the bouncer throws me out right when it's my turn in line.

By that point I'm desperate. I unlock my bike and start riding home as fast as I can. I nearly run over a couple pedestrians.

I'm on Elysian Fields and Saint Claude. Major intersection. Tons of traffic backed up for about a quarter of a mile because there's an accident.

I KNOW that Im going to ♥♥♥♥ myself. It's coming. I'm in a state of complete panic. If I ♥♥♥♥ right there, dozens of people will see it.

I need privacy fast. There's a stretch limo Hummer pulled on the side of the road with people hanging out on the sidewalk next to it.

Looks like high school students. Like maybe they're getting ready to go to a dance or something.

They're all congregated on one side of the limo, like on the sidewalk. I'm in the street, on the opposite side.

So I drop my bike right there in the street and sneak into the limo as quietly as I can. No one's in there. They're all outside.

I don't think twice. I just pull my pants down and let loose. It's, you know, there's a lot of it. It's taking a while.

So anyway, while I'm in there, the kids shut the door, the driver climbs in, and all the lights at the rear of the limo go out. I guess the driver was just dropping the kids off downtown. I don't know.

But at this point it's just me and him. There's a tinted window that divides the cab from the rear of the limo. It would be pretty hard for the driver to see me with the lights out.

He gets on the phone, calls his wife or girlfriend or whatever as he drives away. He thinks the limo is empty. He's got it on speaker phone and I can hear the whole conversation in the speaker right next to my head.

First thing he says is how bad those kids stink. Said he'll never drive young kids like that again. Said they smell like baby diapers.

Then he starts, like, having phone sex. I'm not joking. They immediately launch into it. Saying what they want to do to each other, all this stuff.

Not like that's the biggest deal in the world, but for reasons I won't get into, I just really didn't want to be in there anymore.

I try to open the door, thinking, "♥♥♥♥ it, I'll just jump out." But the door is locked. I check the others. They're all locked.

I crawl up to the window and start tapping on it. "Sir! Sir, you forgot me!" He hangs up the phone, cracks the little tinted window.

"Who in the hell are you??" he asks.

"I'm one of the... the kids! You forgot to drop me off!"

He starts shouting. "What is that smell?? WHAT is that smell??"

My heart is beating out of my throat. I can't breathe. He rolls up the window, calls the police. Again, I can hear the entire conversation.

Operator asks him what the problem is. He says a man broke into his limo and took a ♥♥♥♥ in it. Just like that. "A man broke into my limo and took a ♥♥♥♥ in it."

They ask him his location. He pulls off on the side of the road and waits for the cops. I'm banging on the window, begging him to let me out, saying I'll pay for him to get it cleaned up.

He prentends I'm not even there.

Alright. So here's what gets me. The New Orleans Police Department has neer showed up to ANYTHING on time. It takes them hours to show up to a murder scene, right?

Well a squad car pulls up behind the limo within like three minutes. At this point I am, I can't even explain to you... I'm having a heart attack. I'm dying.

I crouch down behind the door and wait. There's ♥♥♥♥ everywhere. It's on my shoes, my hands, my shirt. I have no alibi here.

The man gets out, opens the door for the police. I spring out of there and just start running. I don't look back. I can hear the cops shouting.