Dear Kevin POOP-E. Rajesh,
I am writing to you so that you might consider an alliance. My mother, Shariq (not POOP-E) Ahmad, has set out on a journey to defeat you, abandoning me in the process. By escaping the mortal shackles of this world and ascending to a higher plane of existence, I have acquired the means to come to your defense and act as your bodyguard against any and all threats that may present themselves to you. I will swear utmost fealty to you if you can guarantee an opportunity for me to engage in battle with my mother. I have full confidence that I will be able to force her into submission and impose my massive, rigid saber into her tepid, sodden scabbard, annihilating her physically and emotionally. I sincerely hope that you will consider my request.
- Philip