How to play Left4Dead 2:
1. always play the same 2 maps
2. if your team is loosing, probably you are gonna "have to go" instantly, do not forget to do it with leaving your team without substitute
3. if you fail something, say "omg this lag" / "modded server" etc...
Alternative: after fail, say "WTF", so everyone will know, that you are good and you only failed cause of some unexplainable reason
4. if you get mad of the game/of loosing/of your own failures, say "gg noobs"/"♥♥♥♥ team"/"♥♥♥♥ server", right before leaving, so everyone will know you are a legend.
5. if someone else is lot better than you, do not forget, it's not because he played a lot more/has more experience. It's only because he is a cheater/hacker/admin, or russian. Russians born with 3000hours, 0 lerp, and aimbot code, which was written by them in the uterus already.
Also, please note, that in case someone is a good player, he must be a fat/virgin/no-lifer in real life. Tell him this, so he will re-think his life.
6. If you want to entertain your teammates, please, play some russian music/david guetta, but do not forget to make it as loud as possible, in 8kbps quality, with dog barking in the backround. Believe me, everyone will love that.
7. If you are with 2 friends in a team, and your 4th friend wants to connect, DO NOT ask the 4th random player kindly, to leave. Just do a votekick, and say "bye noob". This will make him know, where his place is.
8. If you need help, scream in your 2$ microphone "HEELP!" in every 3rd second. Don't worry, your teammates just too shy to help you. Encourage them by screaming as loud as you can.
9. If you do not like someone cause of any reason, do not forget to mention, that you have ♥♥♥♥♥♥ his mother/sister, or other relative(s). This prestigous in-a-nutshell sexual love story will make him jelous, and will let him know, that you are not only a good player, but a stiffmeister as well.
10. Do not forget! Rushing is the fastest way to finish a map. Do not hesitate, just rape the 'W' button, forget about your teammates (they have 'W' button too, dont they???). Do this only, if you are noob enough to get caught even by a bot. If that happens, remember: your team is to blame, as they could not UsainBolt like you did!
11. If you have a teammate, who is a lot more experienced, and tells you some advice, or what to do, keep in mind: he is just a ♥♥♥♥, who wants to ruin your life, this is why he keeps advising you. Do not listen to him, just type "STFU c*nt / Shut the f*ck up ♥♥♥♥♥♥" (if possible, in common chat, so everyone will know, how alpha dominant you are). If he was right all the time, remember: it's only because he is a hacker/admin/nerd/fat virgin etc...
11.1. If some other player gives you some negative comment, or mentions your failure (even if gives you only advise, as seen in point 11), do not think of a valid argument. Say "cry more"/"cry noob". Make him know, that he is just a subhuman peasant, you, and only you have the rights to complain!
Alternative: the word "mad" is the ace card. If you reply with "mad" in any context (like "you mad?"/"mad kid"/"cry mad"), you automatically won the entire argument! Use this weapon, bro!
12. as the last, and most important: You cannot lose a game or win it in a tight fight. If you are winning with at least 1000+ points, that's perfection. If some good players (hackers, of course, what else...) join the opponent team, and they seem to come back, LEAVE...ASAP! Those bastards only joined just to ruin your success against bots/10 hour-players.
Alternative: as you have to prevent them from coming back/winning, before quitting, make it harder for them. Switch team, and friendly-fire-shoot the pure sh*t out of them, before they kick you. Believe me, they deserve it!