https://www.twitch.tv/itsfish69


Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.


And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"
But John came fifth, and won a toaster


Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.


What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
Short.


Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.


I clearly didn't write this but...
Someone stole my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about that.


How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, they're efficient and not very funny.


Where did Sally go during the bombing?
Everywhere.


The first rule of Alzheimers club,
Is don't talk about chess club.


What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.


Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay.
You have my Word.


A Priest, a Rabbi, a Nun, two gorillas, a leopard, a horse, two turtles, and a dragonfly walk into a bar.
Bartender yells, "What is this, some sort of joke?"


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks at the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"


How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None.


Q: Why don't boxers have sex the night before a fight?
A: Because they don't fancy each other.


I called a psychic once. She asked who was on the line, so I hung up.


What happens when the pope dies?
Another popes up


Two fish are in a tank
One turns to the other and says, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


What's white and can't climb trees?
a Refrigerator


Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Ba dum tish!


What's is the difference between ignorance and negligence?
I don't know and I don't care.


Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.