Recent reviews by loinbread

Recommended with caveats. Sea of Thieves is Squandered Potential: The Game. It took a year for Rare to git it gud and at this late stage (5+ years) in its life cycle, they seem to slowing down with the cares. New content is developed at a snail's pace. There's still no anti-cheat which means other players fly around the map whilst teleporting kegs into your hold. Sweats are bad sports who fire off slurs like a machine gun whilst complaining that you chose to be a swordlord, wait no now it's bad you're a double gunner, ha ha now you suck because you're using pistol but landing all your shots while they can't snipe worth a damn. Half the Tall Tales (story quests) are easy modo sailing grinds whilst the other half are literal on-rails theme park rides. There's a bunch of time gated content that you'll never get to see again like the Adventures. If you want to make bank you'll be doing World Events but most of the long-term game progression is built around grinding Voyages instead. I'd like to see some kind of late game gold sink. Captained Ship trinkets are a good start but it'd be cool to expand it further with a pirate hideout or something.

Can you believe that a game released in the year of our Lord 2023 lacks native voice and text chat? Can you believe that a game released in the year of blessed ｇａｂｅｎ 2023 would deliberately implement a Flood-type enemy in a Library-type level as though such a thing could be even remotely fun? Can you believe this game is still worth it if you pick it up for the price of a Big Mac via key resellers?

It's all fun and games until you find yourself holding up a liquor store, trying to eke out a little bit of pocket change to pay your power bill and spend another 24 hours playing Satisfactory, Satisfactory, and nothing but Satisfactory. Do you like life? Do you like food? Do you like sex? This game will make you give up your pursuit of every Earthly desire and human need while you squander away the early hours of the morning working out how the hell to turn Bauxite into Aluminium.

Send help!!

If you're playing through this game and you think, hell, there's a lot of mobile-esque time-gating in this here God Game then buddy, you ain't wrong. The game's designers are literally fresh outta Game Design school or have previous experience working on mobile games like the Clash of Clans rip-off 'Battle Ages'. Now, there's nothing wrong with this per se. These types of games have a specific audience. There's no accounting for taste, and every designer has to get their feet wet someplace. But it is worth noting these influences before buying the game, just so that you don't dive in expecting something that it's not.

This ain't your daddy's Evil Genius. And zoomers: this ain't yer granddaddy's Evil Genius, either. You might think that I have invested a lot of hours into a game for which I'm leaving a "not recommended" review. Well, that's the problem right there. There's not a lot to do in the game apart from sinking time, sitting around while waiting for timers to tick down. Progress is gated based on your progress through a tech tree (which isn't quite as bad as others are making it out) and your completion of schemes on the world map (which is absolutely as bad as everyone is making out). Problem is you can only take one campaign objective and one side story objective at a time. Need to recruit a Mercenary to continue the campaign? No problem, just select the side story! Oh wait, you're already completing a Henchman-related side story? Well, you'll just have to wait until you've completed that. Oh no, the region where the Henchman-related side story scheme is located in has locked down? You better wait! Oh no, the region also needs to be upgraded to a level 2 crime network and you need more radio repeaters? You better wait until you've finished your current research to research stairs to make more room to build more repeaters (or research additional radio broadcast credits)! Oh no, you don't have enough intel to start the scheme on top of all that? Well, you better wait until your minions have spent more time messing around on twitter working on the computers. And so on.

At a perfunctory glance, this might all seem like the kind of normal progression that a strategy game would have as you make your way through the tech tree. Trust me, it's really not. It's exactly like every kind of mobile game you've picked up and got frustrated with because of how transparent it is that the devs have time-gated everything to get you to fish out real world money. Only problem here is that there are no microtransactions. Instead, they've employed those kinds of MTX-driven mechanics because the developers are presumably from a game design pedigree that has given them the impression that we actually find them fun. We don't. Or, at least, I don't. I'm guessing that if you enjoyed the original Evil Genius then, also: you won't.

And so I do not recommend.

(There is also a a great write-up over on r/evilgenius detailing how shallow conflict with Super Agents/Forces of Justice actually is and how little base design actually matters. I suggest you read it and exercise caution if you're still considering picking it up.)

😒 Kill

😕 Overkill

🥱 MEGAkill 🥱


💣 🎇 😎 😍 ULTRAKILL 😍 😎 🎇 🔫

𝓦𝓞𝓡𝓣𝓗 𝓟𝓛𝓐𝓨𝓘𝓝𝓖

ＷＨＹ？ ᴡᴇʟʟ ꜰᴏʀ ꜱᴛᴀʀᴛᴇʀꜱ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘʟᴀʏ ᴀꜱ ʜɪᴛ ᴍᴀɴ ᴡʜᴏ ɪꜱ ᴄᴏᴏʟᴇꜱᴛ ᴄʜᴀʀᴀᴄᴛᴇʀ ɪɴ ᴠɪᴅᴇᴏ ɢᴀᴍᴇ ꜱɪɴᴄᴇ ʙᴜʙꜱʏ ʙᴏʙᴄᴀᴛꜱ!! ʜɪᴛ ᴍᴀɴꜱ ᴛᴏᴜɢʜ ɢᴜʏ ᴏᴋ, ʜᴇ ᴡᴇᴀʀ ꜱᴜɪᴛꜱ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛɪᴇꜱ ᴀɴᴅ ᴏɴʟʏ ꜱᴄᴀʀᴇᴅꜱ ᴏꜰ ʙᴀᴅɪᴇꜱ ᴡʜᴏ ᴅᴏɴᴛ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴋɴɪꜰᴇꜱ ꜰʀᴏᴍ ꜰᴏʀᴋ! ʜᴇ ᴜꜱᴇꜱ ᴅᴇᴀᴅʟʏ ᴡᴇᴘᴏɴ ʟɪᴋᴇ ꜰɪʀᴇ ᴇxᴛɪɴɢᴜꜱʜ ᴀɴᴅ ᴇʟᴇᴠᴀᴛᴏʀ ꜱʜᴀꜰᴛ ᴏɴʟʏ ʙᴀᴅ ꜱɪᴅᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜɪꜱ ɢᴀᴍᴇ ɪꜱ ᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴄᴀʟʟᴇᴅ "ᴀʟᴡᴀʏꜱ ᴏɴ ᴅʀᴍ". ᴛʜɪꜱ ᴍᴇᴀɴ ᴅᴇᴠᴇʟᴏᴘᴇʀ ɢᴜʏꜱ ᴄᴏɴᴛʀᴏʟ ʏᴏᴜʀ ɢᴀᴍᴇ ᴡɪᴛʜᴏᴜᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴋɴᴏᴡɪɴɢ ᴀɴᴅ ᴋᴇᴇᴘ ᴍᴀᴋɪɴɢ ꜱᴇᴀɴ ʙᴇᴀɴ ᴄᴏᴍᴇ ʙᴀᴄᴋ ᴛᴏ ʟɪꜰᴇ. ɢᴜʏꜱ ɪ ᴀʟʀᴇᴀᴅʏ ᴋɪʟʟ ʜɪᴍ ᴛᴡɪᴄᴇ, ᴡʜᴀᴛ ɪꜱ ᴅᴇᴀʟ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴛʜɪꜱ ꜱᴇᴀɴ ʙᴇᴀɴ ɢᴜʏ??? ɪ ꜱᴇᴇɴ ʜɪᴍ ᴅɪᴇ ᴏɴ ᴛʜʀᴇᴏɴ ɢᴀᴍᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ʟᴏʀᴅ ʀɪɴɢꜱ ʙᴜᴛ ʜᴇ ꜱᴛɪʟʟ ɪɴᴛ ᴅᴇᴀᴅ? ɪ ᴅᴏɴᴛ ᴜɴᴅᴇʀꜱᴛᴀ

Do you like L4D? Or do you like Vermintide?

Do you like dorfs and dorf accessories?

Perchance have you developed a fondness, or even a mild tolerance, for the wackiness of procedurally-generated environments?

Well you're going to...      maybe or maybe not like this,idk      there's no guarantee BUT you're gonna  LOVE

hittin
that
antigrav button in the lobby, haha

BARRELS O' FUN

Now, I'm all for experiments. Experimental video games. Sexual experimentation. Science. You name it. But, you see this line in the sand here? I drew it. This line gets drawn whenever someone uses "experimental" as a catch-all argument for defending a half-heartedly developed "empathy" game. I really don't get where the other positive reviewers are coming from. Here's a spoiler (and I hope this doesn't spoil the entire 20 minute playtime): you walk on the beach, find some washed-up objects disconnected from any meaningful human narrative while the developers probably cross their fingers and hope that discovering "Teddy" scrawled in Kanji on the back of a child's toy makes you cry out: "A child! A child owned this! There was a tsunami and, therefore, that child could have perished in the tsunami! Possibly. Oh, poor baby; my cold, blackened heart has been warmed and now beats once again in my hollow, pallid chest."

Maybe these are real objects that washed up on a real beach. I don't know. I wasn't keeping an eye out for news stories about what some bumblefeck in San Fransisco found washed up on the rocky shores years after the fact. Apparently this game is set in SF, you can spy the Golden Gate bridge but it really isn't iconic enough to non-Americans to be instantly identifiable when the graphics are this primitive (I had it pegged for three big top circus tents lined along the horizon).

So you basically find like five of these objects and then you're rewarded with a fifteen second cutscene, which contains the only game's only human element and the only thing that made me feel anything more than a sense of direst boredom. Not that I was pacing back and forth, hoping that the game would break out into a little bit of CoD-esque gunplay, but if you're going to use a video game as the medium to impart some kind of emotional experience on your audience, at least make a remote effort to take advantage of what makes the medium unique. Playing 9.03m and watching someone LP it on YouTube would be an identical experience.

Hey, at least it's all for charity right? That much is commendable. This review came off a little harshly, actually. I'm a touch hungry and that gets me cranky. Normally I'd just dive into the pantry and raid it for some tuna and crackers, with a smidge of mayo, but holiday festivities have rendered it virtually bone dry. If I go on a grocery run I'll probably have to shower, shave, groom a little and that's already a whole thing on its own. If I'm being perfectly honest, there's not enough convenience stores anymore. You know, just a little mum and pop corner shop. Pop don't care if you're in skivvies or bathrobe. Hell, he might even get a little bit of a chub on. But if you go to the supermarket, there's easily a dozen staff members you'll walk by, and not to mention all the other patrons. Yes, lady, these are my pajamas. No, I didn't know that I'm terrifying your child, because you know what? I don't care. Oh, the police? Repeat offender, you say? At least a hundred feet, you say? OK, I might be willing to comply...

tl;dr Dear Esther: Prepare to Baka Gaijin Edition

Killing x-rays is my bread and butter, my colonel's page three and me SHIV's a nutter, loadsamoney is the shout I utter, as I wave my credits at the rookies in the gutter

it games about plants and the funny things plant get up to when humans (people) aren't around. the art is bad (not 3d) and the music has dumb noises like jon arbuckle's accordian. and i can't understand what people are playing (maybe another language) it just giberish... another dud from animata designs, leave it for the PLANTS becaus e the grass is always greener when ur playing a better (like gost recon future soldier)