I knew a guy that put in his status something like “gonna watch some porn”. then linked a video
Thankfully I'm in the 85th percentile of IQ scores (Yes, I did a test and yes I scored 85)
That's based on the fact that I'm delusional, and a danger to myself and others
I have a Psych degree but it's not mine
Dont worry, I have vectored for this outcome
Don’t let that $20 sundress become $200,000 in child support
I have studied multiple YouTube videos in order to master my craft
Now introducing FORTNITE GO! Kill people in real life and take their loot!
My IQ is something like 600 and rises by the power of 10 every time I mention it
I had a teacher in high school whose walls were plastered with anime posters
The biggest red flag a girl can give me is agreeing to go on a date with me
this kid named Brenton told our class his name was “Brent5on, but the 5 is silent”
Who would ever want anything in three dimensions, it's useless. 2D or bust
I was in this physics class filled with the future staff of McDonald's
Dudes who use “:) haha” are at a dangerous level of horny
I thought he was a normal guy pretending to be weird, turns out he is a maniac with a fake fridge
Walked out feeling like a fuçking idiot for spending 40$ to look at some big dolls
Dude's profile says that he's a former waifuist
A student told me that her daddy had a special device that he had to blow into to start his truck
There are so many hundreds of reasons why life isn’t worth living and you focus on this chick?
He also believed that he was a Minecraft character, so he played Minecraft in real life.
My boss would hold company-wide meetings talking about 9/11 conspiracies and chemtrails
When you are getting your prostate exam and you feel both of the doctors hands on your back
Someone made my math teacher cry by saying "maths the devil". Her license plate: "MATHFUN"
“Eagle Scout” is not just an award; it is a state of being
Last I saw him he was wearing a leather jacket with a fonzie haircut hanging outside Autozone.
Ok so you have a headache and think it's clairvoyance
It's not like he was a sex offender or guitar player
If a man can't stream Steamy Onee-san III: Neko Edition, there's no justice in the world
Perplexed by my lexicon? Feeble lesser minds never cease to amuse me
Brought ripped up bed sheets into school and told everyone its proof that he became a werewolf
The audio is working? Fuçk you the audio is working, audio worked 100 fuçking years ago
I have no idea how a man can lose 4 seasons of Pawn Stars and not kill himself
There goes that 5 dollars a month in income
You're the kid that snorted eraser bits and had to go to the ER right?
The hypothetical date starts at Applebee's and end with me crying about my issues with women
I spent 6 grueling years in college getting an Associate's Degree before I landed my Data Entry job
Did your parents sign the permission slip for the execution
Accidentally said “Hey Google” instead of “Dear Lord” before praying
"Why would god create me only to leave me to suffer in darkness?"- Furby on Christmas Day
He ate styrofoam, then denied while bits of styrofoam came out of his mouth
For everyone asking, no I was not killed unfortunately
They calmed down after their friend yelled at them that they might be kicked out of the Yugio club
I was OBSESSED with michael jackson, like, michael jackson themed bar mitzvah obsessed
His weaknesses is social awareness but his strength is never giving up
Apparently having no licence plate is a big thing
I fell head over heels in love with a chat bot who ultimately rejected me
He and all his siblings are named the same name. Martin.
Then he tried to hang himself with our MacBook chargers in the lunch room
He's got LEGO Batman shorts on, singing the lyrics wrong, getting laughed at, yet he keeps going
When they are about to exchange vows start doing Chris Rock stand up
Ripping off "Jonny Cash" is bold. Ripping off the Kidzbop version is visionary
I genuinely thought I was somehow descended from Lassie because I could run on all fours quickly Hey, would you take a few pictures of me in a pile of waifu pillows, wearing my best anime pajamas
Well, she showed up dressed like an elf on the first day of school
Maybe he should get rid of that entire 40-year-old teenager vibe though
Turns out he’s negotiating the sale of a Beanie Baby with a 12-year-old.
A face-tattooed man defines his new system of number theory with fictitious words and racial slurs
What's his astrology sign? Active shooter?
I was in a transitional phase between awkward and total embarrassment
Ahh, the most beautiful female attribute...proximity
What, you think I'm 'dangerous' or 'unhinged' because I just broke in through your window?
I'd have been screaming at the top of my lungs if I were to witness the "Peggle 2" announcement
Trying to make an inspirational speech at a videogame award convention
Fast forward 2 years he tells everyone he's a vampire and stabs my friend with a pen
If my doctor is looking at my brain tumor scans through a Kinect just kill me right there
Well you are clearly a psychopath so I guess I better go out with you and never leave you
I did set myself on fire at a bonfire to get a girl to take care of me
He literally shíts the bed every night. He says he 'doesn't believe in toilets.'
Every year my mom would photoshop my Valentines cards for me to hand out in school
He tried to make Honolulu sound like the gang banging capital of the US
The year was 2007, I was the bassist in an amateur Christian band. It was all downhill from there
Your subconscious mind is much more cringe than your conscious mind could ever imagine
Yeah, the weeaboo catboy phase kind of overlapped with my emo phase
WTF kinda school assigns Tom Clancy novels?
My high school ex randomly sent me a link to a clarinet cover of a metal song
Yes parole officer, if i could just have one minute *turns around and undoes pants*
This phrase alone speaks brain damage
He turned a flirty exchange into something wildly uncomfortable in 2 seconds flat. That's elite
Imagine calling in a bomb threat and in response everyone gathers and does the macarena
Then, halfway to Taco Bell, he told me females are liars and bítches and bait men
Then he abruptly got mad about 9/11 in 2007 or so and left everything to join the Marines
The TSA is supposed to be staffed by only the best college dropouts in the country
Is he the next Bobby "Heated Gamer Moment" Fischer
Then he stood in the parking lot loudly rapping to his own music
Dude asks if she can lend him bus fare since his mom won't be coming to get him. He was 27
These detectives are literally leaving the room and googling “how to obtain a confession”
He also died of syphilis and with the mental abilities of an 8 year old aspiring YouTuber
You mean playing dress up doesn’t make you a bad boy?
At least he didn't send her anime fan fiction starring her and him
My neighbor sits in his yard, hides behind his plants and meows at people who pass by
He performed a Donald Duck impression to a child at the restaurant, bringing him to tears
They had a connection from the start, both in their twenties playing card games marketed to kids
He started ”joking” about following me home so he could stalk me if I rejected him
Who knew a guy in a Overwatch jacket with a greasy middle part could be so good at recycling?
As a teenager I often referred to myself as a "warrior poet"
14 year me poorly attempting to be emo at the Crayola factory
This guy has reached chess depths of hell that we can't even imagine
Then we went to Walmart. Where his mom worked. So he could get a discount. Didn't buy anything
He had been attempting (in his 40s) to become a pro dirt bike rider
I know, I'll write paragraphs of unsolicited gay fanfiction about myself in my bio

They built a new Verizon in town, someone started a rumor that it was gonna be a Panera Bread
I didn’t even feel that embarrassed when walking (running and crying) away
To learn Uzbek I need a traumatic brain injury to unlock the god-language that lives within us all
He secured the only nearby village and started a slave trade on a family oriented Minecraft server
I bought it at hot topic with birthday money
I was thirteen and waited 3 hours in the Arizona heat to meet Freddy from iCarly
Can you describe what "class" we're seeing here? Remedial Recess?
Basically saying stupid stuff to sound edgy. The legal definition would be “Terroristic Threat”
Naruto-ran everywhere, told everyone her dad was Harry Potter
I got suspended for photoshopping a spaceship over the school. Apparently it was a threat
The history teacher who tossed out the entire history curriculum to talk about serial killers
I disassembled the family microwave when I was 3
He is trying his hardest to come off as a calm and rational person cosplaying as a Pokémon
Crash even one full passenger jet into the San Francisco Bay and you never hear the end of it
Ok listen to me. You have dyslexia and misread your height on the ruler
A 27 year old American aiming to 'fit in' by attending Japanese high school and wearing a kimono
For some time now, I've been traveling through time at a velocity of 60 seconds per minute
The children called him "The Guinea Pig Man"
A chimpanzee who moonwalked and (allegedly) attempted suicide
This kid in front of me pulled a DS out of his pocket and used it to take pictures
Are you gonna be the guy that presses charges against a baby?
We talk for a bit but she became weird so I blocked her, then she says she hired someone to kill me
His day took a turn for the worse when a cross dressing man-child sprayed him with pepper spray
He talked about race or something then just randomly starts imitating fat Albert
Too many beautiful women have shown interest in me, so I became gay instead
I like to pretend this is all happening at the same horrifying talent show
Apparently yelling at his girlfriend to pay his mortgage was better than working
Turns out he invited his parents to the date
Imagine going bankrupt and having to explain to the bank it's because of a brony dating site
This is after he failed out of chiropractor school
He told me he had 3 maxed out credit cards then proceeded to do his best Peter Griffin impression
Imagine your proposal being in a cringe compilation
The guy who stumbles on stage at open-mic night, says he's master of satire, then says the n-word
I'm so stable and so normal you should let me live in your basement for free
I remember making conspiracy theories that every fictional character was Brazilian
I was lying down on the sidewalk sometime last week in an attempt to preform photosynthesis
Thankfully I had enough energy to get out of there in the laundry hamper
Age: forty-teen
Wearing a Beatles shirt and posing where Lennon got shot hoping to meet his ghost
My awkward years were the better part of a decade... this was somewhere in the middle
Five life support jokes in the same set? unprofessional
Oh man I can't break into this guys house and point a gun at him, he has a restraining order
He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark
An unmedicated schizophrenic militia, being necessary to the security of a free state
I''m sorry, the inflatable pool toy community is making death threats?
The Jehovah's witnesses have launched simultaneous attacks on the nations blood banks
My wife and I announced our divorce on the official Jeremy Renner app
A sexual harassment PSA for U.S. Marines stationed in Okinawa featuring gangsta soda cans
One of my friends got dumped for a ghost his girl said she met in a ouija board
The groom insisted on wearing a costume from his favorite superhero movie to the wedding
The "I can communicate with dolphins" phase
I used to pretend my bicycle was a horse, I would groom it and jump it over things
When I was a freshman I really wanted to start "fedora friday"
The latest in one of his get poor quick schemes
My uber drivers playlist was a disturbing audio diary he recorded of himself
I knew I should have gone with the chocolate milk plan
Never pass up the opportunity to escalate a minor disagreement into life changing violence
He got bullied for having a Thomas the Tank Engine backpack so he set it on fire in the bathroom
Why did he have to say cereal milk its just milk
This should impress all the people who doubted you at the comic book store
The underground black market ring you and your fellow adult-children have cultivated
Would you want your job being "Wii U eshop programmer" for the rest of your life?
Unprompted, he told me that microwaves open portals to hell
At the wedding they turned on flashing lights and played audio clips from 9/11
The Smurf economy as currently described is identical to communism
it's a dead fuçking animal on a page about networking
Who here hasn't almost been groomed into joining ISIS?
I bet you say that to all the light switches
There are consequences to your crimes against Dracula
My parents would not allow me to pose with my bootleg pikachu doll at a funeral