Balatro, otherwise known as Totally Legal Cocaine, is a poker-themed roguelike where you play cards in short rounds, only to look up and discover it is actually 5 AM and you've been on a bender for five hours just playing cards, when all you wanted was just one more round before bedtime.


DOESN'T EXIST, WHO CARES.


Balatro is a game about poker. You play hands to try and clear Blinds, which are score targets. This is affected by Chips and Multiplier, henceforth Mult. You start out playing normally, with longer, more complex hands being the way to go. You only have a certain amount of Hands to play before the run's over, and you can Discard certain cards to try tipping the scales towards a hand you'd want to play, but you can only Discard so many times.

Then you discover that, no, playing 'normally' and 'like a sane person' do you get you far in Balatro, at all. The Blinds become too high for you to clear. It doesn't exactly help that while the game will give you the Chip/Mult of your hand, it doesn't do all the math for you; Joker effects and the card ranks are left for you to calculate, and it can become very easy to end up miscalculating at some point and either fly way over your goal, or way under it.

Thankfully, you're not playing simple poker.

To aid you in clearing the ever-heightening Blinds, you can buy astrology cards to level up certain hands, increasing their base Chips and Mult, you can buy playing cards to stack the deck towards certain hands, or even veer into the illegal - Five of a kind, anyone? You can wield Tarot cards that allow for certain effects, boosting certain cards and allowing yourself to manipulate your deck in typically indirect ways, and most importantly, you can wield the power of up to five Jokers.

Jokers confer a variety of benefits, boons, and the odd bane. There's a Joker that's an unconditional +4 Mult, for instance; It's weak, but there's no randomization, no caring about suits or what hand you're playing. Much like a Bethesda game, it just works. But then you have Jokers that multiply your Mult by a variable amount based on Planet cards played, or a Joker that destroys other Jokers at random, gaining a Mult multiplier as it does so, or a Joker that copies the Joker to it's right, and so on, so forth.

What begins as simple poker can become, with proper deck manipulation and use of Jokers, a game of playing Two Pair because a Joker that's actually a pair of spare trousers gains multiplier every time you do, all while hoping the Gros Michel banana you have as a Joker doesn't go extinct this round, while trying desperately to calculate your moves so you don't fall short of the Blind because you got your order of operations wrong.

This is without mentioning the Boss Blinds, little wrinkles that Balatro throws at you every third Blind to throw a wrench into your plans. From barring repeat hands, to disqualifying certain suits from scoring, to certain ranks also being disqualified, the Boss Blind is either easy or an absolute menace.

Balatro's all about the gameplay and it's really good stuff.


Balatro's graphics resemble a CRT-filtered game, scanlines and all, and while there's little in the way of flair, it doesn't frankly need it. It's a simple game, and the graphics are, accordingly, simple too, lacking in glitz and glamor and focusing on what's important, albeit with a few touches here and there just to keep your eye invested.

Audio is a 7/3 tune that gains four variations, alongside some truly wonderful chimes and 'ticks' every time a card scores. The music might be the only track available, in four variations, but it never, ever gets old. It's simple to the point of utter addiction. It gets you in the thinking zone and keeps you in it, until you look up, it's seven AM, you've been on another binge, and you realize you haven't slept at all last night.


Worth. Balatro is not a terribly complex game, it's a game that can be played over the course of a lunch break. It's also insanely fun, stupidly addictive, and manages to be just as fiendish the fiftieth time as it did the first. If you like deckbuilders, or hell, even if you're like me and not a fan of that genre, Balatro is worth purchasing. It's a good gateway into the deckbuilder genre of roguelikes, or a getaway from others like it for a time while you realize, oh god, it's now 11 AM, you've been at it for a long while now and need to go to Balatroholics Anonymous.

Find my review of the base game here!

The Super Citizen upgrade is, by and large, a way of saying 'yes, I want to support Arrowhead more than just buying Super Credits'. The gear it has is decent, but by no means a dealmaker. This is purely for the more dedicated divers out there.

This said, it does grant you:


Arguably the star of the show, though with how many new Warbonds are out, I'd sooner want this converted to 1,000 Super Credits instead. For a mini-review of Steeled Veterans, it's still a pretty decent Warbond with some great stuff, even if things like Cutting Edge and Democratic Detonation overall beat it out. The contents that matter are as follows:


Yep, it's a revolver. Six rounds of high damage and zero compromise. Notably the only bullet-firing sidearm that pierces heavy armor, incidentally allowing it to four-shot Hulks if you can either stun them or just have amazing aim. Has a speedloader to refill from empty quickly, but otherwise you're loading rounds one at a time, which can add up quick if reloading from near-empty - In some cases, it's best to empty the cylinder and then begin the reload.


The second-worst Liberator, beating out the Carbine, and even then it's only due to the Carbine being a bit too close to the below-mentioned Knight for me to say their niches don't overlap.

While the Liberator Concussive provides a decent-enough stagger effect for assault rifles, and it sports the largest magazine of any non-LMG weapon at a hefty 60 rounds, you pay for both with DPS; The Concussive has the second-lowest damage, beating out the Liberator Penetrator, and the lowest fire-rate of the Liberators. Meaning you'll need to shoot from further out and potentially expend more ammunition. Because of those downsides, this is a weapon you'll rarely see.


Something of a middle ground between the stock Breaker and the Spray and Pray variant. Same damage and mag size as the latter, with a fire DoT that can finish things off, but lacks the Spray And Pray's choke, the stock's stagger force, and has the lowest mag count at just 4 in reserve.

It still mulches Terminids like nothing else, but kick the habit of reloading early if you haven't already, and more than most guns, make sure your line of fire is clear - It only takes one stray pellet to light a fellow Helldiver on fire.


A heavy rifle that, if not for the Eruptor, could be mistaken for a Boltgun. Hits hard enough to one-shot most chaff, pierces medium armor so it can better wreck shop besides.

The drawback is that it's projectiles are painfully slow, and the recoil can get bad, but learn to compensate for both, and you have a solid anti-VIP weapon, or a great gun in general against the Automatons.


While these days this Grenade is outdone by it's Impact cousin in Polar Patriots, this is still a good way to start some fire in a pinch. Goes hard with Inflammable armor, and the upshot is, if you whiff a throw, you have a few seconds to contemplate running for it.


Throw grenades and Stratagem beacons further, and adds 50% more HP to your limbs (but not your torso or head). This will require you relearn your arcs and isn't great if you're not throwing Stratagems and grenades often, or throwing them close enough that the added distance doesn't matter. But if you're the kind who wants to eke out that little bit more reach, or if you want to stop having your arms and legs broken, this armor will help.


Not a Booster I've seen taken, at all. If you're dying enough for this to matter, it is a Skill Issue. If you aren't, this Booster is a waste of a slot. It's just overall a bad idea to take this no matter what - Even Increased Reinforcements has a niche in Automaton Eradicates.



An SMG that took a look at the Redeemer and decided it didn't go far enough when it came to dakka. 50 rounds at 65 damage each, delivered at an eye-watering 1,380 RPM - Bar none the fastest rate of fire in Helldivers II. Like all SMGs that aren't the Retribution, you can also use it one-handed, perfect for Ballistic Shield builds or for running the SSSD, and good for hipfiring while running away, niche though these uses are.

This is a gun with high amounts of giggle factor. While the high fire rate and low armor penetration leave it strictly anti-Terminid on paper, in practice it can hose down bots, provided you can compensate for the recoil or close in to mulch weak points. It's a solid B-tier weapon, but it's held in serious check by this DLC being the only way (as of time of review) to acquire it. It is a fun weapon. It is NOT a 20$ weapon.

In fact, this is where I reiterate a point; Don't buy this pack for the included gear.


Medium Armor with the passive of Democracy Protects. Stat-wise, it's identical to every other armor with Democracy Protects, this set's purely for the drip.


A neat little diversion and a genuinely good way to practice Stratagem inputs, to the point where I wish this wasn't the only way to obtain it. A round or two at this game, practicing Stratagems with no real pressure, can genuinely lead to improvement. I only wish this had a means in-game of unlocking it, and that it was updated to include the newer Stratagems as well.


Flex your credit card over all with this title. That's all, it's cosmetic otherwise.


Kind of. Steeled Veterans is a good Warbond, the Knight's a decent gun, and the armor looks nice, but like I said at the top, you're not buying this for the gear. You're buying this because you like Helldivers II, and want to see it go further. That's all.