How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a ♥♥♥♥ in days.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.

What was Forrest Gump's email password? "1forrest1"

A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!

I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..

I am so poor I can't even pay attention.

I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

I hate insects puns, they really bug me.

Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.

I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

Fishermen are reel men.\

Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday.

I went to school without my shoes today. I got shoe-spended for a week.

What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.