These are the voyages, of the starship Clinton...

(Part 1 is cut into two parts, whic I am missing the first half. Body size is too big so each half will be cut into halves)



Well, as First Officer Sqwirl and Captain I traveled out of the cave, still with $500 we came across two drunks fighting over a penny
"Ay, Captain, that's the penny we gave to the hobo."
"By God's name, you're right Sqwirl"
We walked over to the hobos and shot them. We took the penny and walked off casually, after burying the bodies. We put up a sign that said "No bodies under here" It'd taken us seven minutes and 39 seconds since landing, but we'd finally arrived at Starfleet Base X1025 1/3. As I walked in, I was greeted, not by friendlies, but by evil Romulans dressed up as Darth Vader, "Damnit Captain, I'm a Trekkie, not a Star Wars nerd!"
"It's alright Mr. Sqwirl... I have a plan"
We were then escorted to a prison haunted by the dead ghost of Corn. "Screw you guys, you left me to DIE" The Redshirt, whose name escaped both Captain and Mr. Sqwirl's memory shouted constantly. "Damnit, I can't think with this ghost behind us, I'm a Squirrelon, not a medium!"
"Wait! That's it Mr. Sqwirl!"
I quickly brought out the phone book, and called the local medium
Doctor R. A. 2 and a half (He was a doctor in Ghost Mechanics, Ghost Theory, Ghost 101 and Cookie Baking) It took him a whole three minutes, but he arrived, through a hole we dug for him leading outside. "Quick doc, we need you to channel this ghost out so we can think of a way to escape this place." In a heavy Indian accent he said, "Yes, I help you with it, for $500."
"$500?! That's insane! We could have just brought Curn... Or Carn... Karth?"
"No Captain, I think it was Khan... Or Skarth. Something like that"
"Anyway, no thanks, we’ll give you $100 if you help us think of an escape route."
"Captain, we could just use the tunnel we creat-"
"Silence Mr. Spock"
"Hey! SCREW YOU GUYS. Leaving me to die. You could have-.."
"Hmm... Let me see. Alright, I make you deal. I give you escape plan, you give me 100 dollar and one penny"
"And one penny? What the heck do you think we're made of? Carbon and water?" "Actually sir, you're-"
"No deal!"
"Okay, I take money with me. And you not get escape plans." He then left with the 100 dollar… I mean, $100 I gave him, not thinking "Hmm... we have a good tunnel here that we dug, but nothing to use it for..."
"Hey Mr. Sqwirl (You guys suck! Screw you guys!) I have (FALL IN A WELL) an idea"
"What if we (BOOOO) use (BOOOO) this tunnel (LOLCATS) to (ROGLFOEKFmOX) (FREEPENIXENLAGERSORDERNOW) call for (ROEKILLILM)
HELP?!"
"Hmm... Or... We could just crawl out through the (ZOOEORKASMFOEMALWHOREFLWOEMAOSUET) tunnel"
"That's a stupid idea, Mr. Sqwirl"
I looked around for awhile, all the while being yelled at by the ghost of... Redshirt... Argh! What was his name...? Allen... Bill... Caitlyn... Dan... Eve... Freddy...Then I realized something from my repeated reading of Star Wars novels! Darth Vader's helmet had a limited field of view to about 55-67.3958 degrees from left to right, if I could get in one of their blind spots, I could kill him with the penny, then... I'd need a distraction though. "Sqwirl! I have a mission for you!" He objected, but it ended quite quickly. The coconut that I crawled out of the tunnel for (Of course, drawn with nodraw) worked perfectly and killed him, I'd clean up the blood later, and then Mr. Sqwirl and I would esca-...
Oh wait
What've I done?!
There's a dead body on my hands...
Oh no...
I've...
Killed a man...
Me...
Whoo! I got an achievement!