Fellow Agents, Champions, Adventurers, Gankers, Taxmen, Tall Men, and Meme Lords,

I am sure every one of you is aware of the recent event that happened last week. For those who do not know I will elaborate the events in detail. At approximately 9 PM around the time that the Canteen was serving the daily slop a magnificent blue light appeared in the sky. This anomaly had been around for roughly 15 seconds before it disappeared as fast as it had shown up.
The scouts had reported no damages or biological hazards from the oddity however four of our champions have gone missing. These champions are Champion Gundyr, Old Thunderguts, Dark Memes, and our newest addition to the champion ranks Sha Moke, bandit chieftain of the East. These champions have shown great prowess in Martial Arts as well as military strategies. The morale of their units has been impacted by this including Old Thunderguts' apprentice Old Lady Palmer.
She has expressed her concerns with the morale of their forces however she has sworn to uphold Old Thunderguts' legacy and has been seen leading the armies with Old Thunderguts' own legendary Dragon Slaying Axe. In addition, General Coach has been appointed as Graaaand Commaaaander to supervise the units until the champions have been located and rescued. If the Pirates of perfection or N clan decide to try and attack Pontiff's closet from this recent turn of events they will still have to deal with fierce resistance from J.U.M.P forces.

All isn't lost however. A special task force T.R.A.S.H ( Traversal Reconnaissance And Salt Hunters) has been sent to the anomaly site. A team comprised of the most elite Sweaty Lapps, Dwarves, Coach Cultists, and Homies. Leading the team is J.U.M.P special force commander AGENT. They have already made great progress using their ancient CE tech to start opening what appears to be a sort of "tear" within the space the light appeared from.

It's not a matter of if but when will they open a way to this new plane. Fear not warriors of Pontiff. We will save our champions and claim another victory for J.U.M.P!!

Greetings Agents, Generals, CE Mages, Great Warriors and the like,

It is with deep regret that I inform you all of the state of our war with the Pirates of Perfection. Very recently we had dropped our guard and moved most of our forces away from the salt coast in response to internal affairs in Pontiff's Closet. We have been busy lately. Focusing on improving our strategies, supplies and munitions.
We however could not foresee that from doing this we had carelessly left the coastline exposed and vulnerable to invasion. Not too long ago I had received a disturbing report from our scouts. It seems in the few months we had been absent from the coast defense zone the Pirates had docked and staged their main camp there.
We only caught wind of this after the fact that they had sieged and raided multiple villages surrounding said coastline. Normally in reaction to this we would send out a task force to deal with this fodder. In the past we had fought long battles and witnessed many of their tricks. We destroyed them in the end and sent them fleeing into the wilderness.
I'm afraid it won't be so easy this time. Part of the report that came in is that they seem to have banded together with the sweaty N Clan and have learned how to integrate the powers of the ancient CE scrolls with their pathetic self made Pirate Perfection tomes.
These combined make a deadly combination of sweaty spells that have been said to cause the following... Crash games, corrupt save files, instantly down the whole party, cause massive fps drops from spawning in items and many many more exploits.

My Fellow agents when I took this position as your commander I always did what I could to protect our organization as well and Pontiff's holy backyard. We have not been attacked yet by these scoundrels but if we wait and remain idle they will come at us full force.
By then there would be nothing we could do to save ourselves. I have gone through the scenarios hundreds of times but I've only been left with one option. Many of you may agree with this plan and many of you will disagree with this plan. I can assure you however this plan will succeed.
With our fortifications impenetrable in Pontiff's penthouse N Clan had moved east and after some asking around it would seem a faction that calls themselves The Yellow Turbans have taken up arms against them.
They are a group of farmers and settlers that had abandoned their prior ruler for a secluded life away from oppressive rule. I've heard many stories about their mystic ways of bending nature itself to their defense. In times like these any allies are a welcome sight and it would seem they despise those bandits as much as we do. I had already sent a proposition for an alliance and got a response very quickly. They have agreed to our terms as have we to theirs. They had also sent this video to us as proof of their sincerity

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RA9lGcYom9k

It would seem they have a signature power they call the "Stink Tornado" that engulfs the essence of trash gameplay everywhere and disperses it at the enemy essentially using their own weapon against them. They have already sent two of their strongest and most famed Officers that go by the names of Zhang Bao and Zhang Liang to our HQ. These two single handedly drove back N Clan and even killed one of N Clan's sweat chiefs. This is an impressive feat especially with a force of commoners.
Agents I ask that you welcome these warriors to our home with open arms and take the time to show them the ropes and how we do things at JUMP. We now have a smoking gun at defeating the Pirates once more. Once we drive them out of the land we shall pursue them to their land and destroy them once and for all!

There comes a time when every battle must be decided.... and we shall be the onces to make the call. God speed agents and as always.. Lets do this.

Greetings Agents, Officers, and Generals. I'm sure you've all heard the recent invasion of the Wizards Sanctum. It seems our activities and defense of Pontiff's Closet from brigands has gained the attention of a band of mercenaries. Don't let the label "Mercenary" sway you from sitting their asses down. We've held the front line in Pontiffs Backyard for a long time now and unbeknown to us we had slain a few of their clan members that joined up with the bandits. Just recently did we receive word that one of their higher ranking salt lords was killed in another attempt to breach our defenses. The banners were raised in response and it is official. WE ARE AT WAR. I can see expressions of anticipation amongst us to end these rogues. Over the course of a few years our forces have grown and none have been able to challenge our might. The Pirates of Perfection have been obliterated along with their lackeys. With our attention centered directly on these pitiful outlaws we shall crush them and erase them from history. Go now JUMP operatives! Go and eradicate these N-oobs!

~Godspeed Agents, Let us make an example of them

https://steamuserimages-a.akamaihd.net/ugc/1045345053901639046/E16639AB303E547CDF61BC6B0BC7746F09187CDC/

Greetings to all operatives of JUMP. It is with pride and regret that I inform you of the state of the world in our current time. Due to the mass panic of the Green Flu many have given in to their fear and have left our side in fighting the dastardly criminals known as the Pirates of Perfection and their lackeys. We've had our forces moving all around the universe from CrimeNet to Pontiff's Closet. A mass rise in the amount of cheaters and scrubs is only getting higher and with that we've had our forces stretched thin. This is where the pride piece comes in. Our forces surely would have not been able to stand against the ever growing army of dankness however, over the course of a year we have recruited many faithful officers who have taken the morale and well being of the operatives under their charge with honor and loyalty. Many of these officers are deserving of merit but there is one that has stood out from all of them. This man is one that is rarely seen outside of his place of residence. The man I am referring to goes by many names one that most are familiar with is The Wizard. This man Turbow has risen through the ranks and has shown more progress in the effort to eradicate the enemy. Spending countless months within his tower he studies the ancient scrolls found within the darkest reaches of the Hall of Champions. Some say he creates spells even while he sleeps. He is dedicated to our cause and has pushed the enemy forces to Burger's Gate. We have the upper hand now and without the assistance of the common peasants of CrimeNet it will be a longer campaign but rest assured we will win this war. Godspeed Agents and continue to have faith in JUMP.